Coldplay — seriously — set to play halftime at Super Bowl 50

In one of the better lines you'll find from a music review, the Washington Post (in 2005, mind you) perfectly summed up the band Coldplay:

"Coldplay and the Dave Matthews band generally appeal to medium-level dull people. They both create music to be played in new cars. Whereas true artists make music to be played in old cars."

Get ready, America ... your Super Bowl 50 halftime act is — yep, you guessed it — none other than The Chris Martin All Stars ... Coldplay!

	Dennis K. Berman @dkberman
It's confirmed. Your Super Bowl Halftime Act is: COLDPLAY More at WSJ.com pic.twitter.com/rbs20H0DHg 12:15 PM - 3 Dec 2015

Attempt to bridle your enthusiasm now.

The Super Bowl is a new-car crowd, at least as far as those who can afford to attend it are concerned, and the people in the NFL who pick the halftime acts would seem to fit this medium-level dull demographic brilliantly.

Cold. Play.

As in, name one thing they've done in recent years that has gotten you excited. Hey, maybe you're British or you like gluten-free baked goods or the idea of Afrian missions, and for all of you there's a special place on God's green earth. But for the rest of us, the idea of — even at a paltry 12 minutes — Coldplay taking the stage in Santa Clara has us seeking halftime entertainment alternatives.

Such as refilling the Ro-Tel bowl.

For all the progress we've made in recent years with hip, entertaining options such as Beyoncé, Bruno Mars and Katy Perry taking the stage, this choice represents a major step backward. Let's put it this way: We don't expect any Left Shark action on Super Bowl Sunday.

The NFL couldn't do better than a band that sings depressing songs and who peaked more than a decade ago?

Coldplay is dull, soulless dad rock that's about as energetic as a dose of lithium. They're everything the kids do not want to watch. Their best days were in the early 2000s as Beatles knockoffs, the suburban's answer to Oasis maybe. This is almost laughable, honestly.

Even with a new album out, which we presume to be as unfulfilling as every other previous Coldplay release, there's zero buzz factor here. Oh, they'll choose one song from it, throw in "Clocks," "Yellow," "Paradise" and finish with "Fix You" for good measure, and Twitter will be on fire with insults, such as when U2's Bono called Chris Martin a "wanker" on live radio and meant it. Seriously, Bono is one of the easiest guys on the planet to make fun of, and he's exactly right here.

We're just hoping the matchup on the field is compelling. The NFL's choice for halftime acts is the opposite of that. In fact, it's the safest, least-interesting choice they could have made for an act that size. All hail medium-level dull people.