As if the Detroit Lions haven't ruined enough of our Thanksgivings already, cornerback Darius Slay has finally provided the last straw necessary to remove them from our annual turkey day festivities forever.
That's right: Slay hates turkey. Like, really doesn't like it. He described it as "nasty." Four times.
The following is his exchange with ESPN.com's Michael Rothstein for a regular Question of the Week segment. This week's query: "What Thanksgiving foods do Detroit Lions players absolutely despise?"
Slay: "Turkey. So nasty. I hate turkey. I don't know why Thanksgiving has like turkey as a logo. That's like a logo for turkey. It has to be ham, because ham is way better than turkey. Turkey is terrible. I hate turkey. So nasty. Hate turkey."
Reporter: "Were you forced to eat it as a kid?"
Slay: "Nuh-uh, because my mom don't eat turkey. So she didn't make turkey and then I was like, ‘Man, I want to try turkey, mom.' Then I see why she don't like it. It's real nasty. Some people try to make it juicy. It don't change nothin'. It still gets dry. It's nasty. I love ham, though. Ham and I need me a pie. My mom, I'm trying to find a way to send this pie to my house. I don't know how that's going to operate but that sweet potato pie is going to be on point. I need like two of them. Man, it's so good. My grandma, she had me one saved anyway but I need one for Thanksgiving because I'm not going to be home."
Slay may have saved himself there with the line: "Ham and I need me a pie." Solid gold, that one. I might have to borrow it when my aunt asks around the dinner table, "Can I get you anything, dear?" Um, ham and I need me a pie, please. Still, this is a serious anti-turkey lobby from Slay. And he's not alone.
CB Quandre Diggs: "I don't eat Thanksgiving food. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving food. I celebrate the holiday, I just don't eat the food. I just don't like it."
CB Nevin Lawson: "I don't like turkey like that. I don't like turkey. It's just not my type of bird to eat. I like chicken and steaks and ham. That's pretty much it. Even my family members, we're Jamaican so we won't make turkey on Thanksgiving. We'll make a whole chicken. I had it before, but my family never cooked it. I had turkey before."
Pro-bird, anti-turkey, huh? Interesting approach. And here I was thinking Lions were the kings of the jungle, up for eating whatever presents itself on the plains that serve as their dinner tables. Now, I understand a lot of folks eat ham on Thanksgiving and your niece is going through her vegetarian phase right now, but I'm pretty sure Myles Standish and Squanto didn't squash their beef over pig and Tofurky.
In honor of the great John Madden, I will only accept ham, chicken and/or steak at my Thanksgiving meal if they are all stuffed inside of each other and jammed into a turkey. Then, and only then, is it acceptable.
Turkey unites. Turkey makes us sleepy enough to nod off during the second half of another blowout of the Lions on Thanksgiving. You don't see kids tracing their hands to bring home a ham drawing to their parents every November, do you? I mean, Steve Martin didn't ride "Plains, Trains and Automobiles" to get home for Tofurky. And Adam Sandler wasn't singing, "Love to eat chicken, like a good boy should."
Should we forgive Slay, Lawson and Diggs, since they were born in the 1990s, when political correctness probably ruled out teaching about turkeys in schools for fear the vegans may revolt? Thankfully, 31-year-old Lions defensive end Darryl Tapp is around to offer some sound advice with respect to the turkey:
"Ever since I got turned on to deep fried turkey, I don't look at regular turkey the same. It's gotta be deep fried and Cajun now. I can't look at regular turkey the same anymore, unless it's some deli meat, I can't do it. I've been tainted. Got a taste of the good life."
Deep fried turkey, just as I imagine the good Governor William Bradford enjoyed his Thanksgiving meal after tossing his freshly bow and arrowed fowl into a piping hot cauldron of vegetable oil over a campfire.
Lions running back Ameer Abdullah went on an ill-advised anti-cranberry sauce rant, while teammates Calvin Johnson, Larry Warford and T.J. Jones appropriately took aim at turnip greens, beets and cream of corn as the worst side staples of Thanksgiving. A conversation about side dishes deserves its own post entirely, but I will say this: I'm on board with mashed potatoes — sweet or otherwise — cranberry sauce and stuffing. If there's a sliver of the plate left over for some green bean casserole, I can live with it.
A quick poll of my Shutdown Corner colleagues revealed some interesting Thanksgiving traditions. Here are four of the ones that won't out relatives who do their best to annually destroy the year's greatest meal:
— Shalise Manza Young is on board with Slay's pro-ham stance, and I'm speechless. This is a thing now. Although, she redeems herself by sharing she used to have two Thanksgiving dinners — a traditional meal and an Italian feast. As Yahoo's Charles Robinson responded: "Where do I send my RSVP, Shalise?"
— Eric Edholm's "Thanksgiving protein power rankings: 1. Sausage, 2. Game, 3. Turkey (dark meat), 4. Ham, 5. Lobster, 138. Turkey (white meat)." And boy did he hear it about the lobster. Everything from "Daddy Warbucks over there" to "We need to renegotiate Edholm's contract," until he offered undeniable proof that the first Thanksgiving featured lobster. Plus, he's a fellow New Englander, so he gets a pass, as long as he tells me where those lobster traps are hiding. My new power rankings: 1. Turkey, 2. Lobster.
— Frank Schwab details one of his life's great meals: "When I covered Denver at KC on Thanksgiving ... I had dinner in the ballroom at the Marriott and they had EVERYTHING." A Marriott? Schwab elaborated: "The Marriott Thanksgiving was unreal. Like 10 chef stations, and was all legit. ... Was like each station was trying to one-up the other." This is the Thanksgiving ethos of Donald Trump's America: No matter where, there should be a chair for you with a plate in front of it — and 10 chef stations. USA! USA! USA!
— Kevin Kaduk, as always, takes the reasoned approach: "Any protein is amazing if you cover it in sweet potato casserole." I've never had sweet potato casserole, but I take a similar approach with gravy. Just douse it on everything, and it'll make up for when grandma overcooks the turkey for a 10th straight year.
Speaking of streaks, after losing nine straight, the Lions have somehow won two straight Thanksgiving games — over the Packers and Bears — with Slay and his turkey-hating ways on the roster, no less. So, like the crazy uncle who will bring up the Syrian refugee crisis at the dinner table, we'll give Detroit one more Thanksgiving to not ruin our day. And then we'll go back to complaining about it for another year.
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